That missing peace I've come to think that I will be in a continuous loss in translation, trying to figure this thing called grief. It is still so new to me. My son might no longer be part of the world be he is of the world. The life that he would have a lead which so early taken away, stolen and now I have to live with this missing peace. A peace that once was there. I continue to search for it. In my work, in love, in family and friends, nothing can compare for some reason. When we lose someone, we lose not just a part of us, but we lose the connection with others and make it challenging to come back. I don't know how to have fun; when I smile, I think it too much because, in my mind, I want to enjoy life but, I feel guilty. I don't deserve to feel this way; I don't deserve to show joy…..Everything has shifted. I was told in time that I would be able to move on from my grief and accept everything new. Why would someone assume that this would be the correct approach to making me think what they had said was suppose to make me feel better!??
There's no improvement from what I had expected or desired in my grief. Will I ever be the same? What if I feel a small inclination of returning to my old self. I know I will be pulled back in from either a sound, photo, video, a milli-second of a memory of his sweet face in just that moment, I'll reach for him, only to grab wind. Grief and happiness is such a stressful transition; we just have only one way to cope……So I think so.
I will never recover from my trauma. Nothing that occurs in life will "remove" it from within me. I know every morning and evening is a struggle because happiness comes and goes. I denied needing to face my trauma; now I face my trauma, but I do it with grace and love. I do it by living even though I may not be a hundred percent there. I am living each day surviving because I want to. I am what my son Elijah would have wanted me to be. I am stronger because I needed to be present for my son Sebastin needs. If you don't know, November 3rd will mark three years since, and it feels like yesterday. Sometimes, I think about how in the hell is a man like me still standing?. Knowing that my heart was torn out, still beating being left there while so many walked on by? I am telling you through the grace of God, and strong faith, it can change everything. You know, Dina and I started the Elijah-Alavi Foundation, not just because. We started this foundation for our son's life to be the continuous heartbeat of his life to give back and help others. Our son Sebastin who misses his brother daily is standing by us, sharing his love and smile to bring joy; that’s what he and his brother Elijah would do.
On November 3rd, I ask if you can, In your heart, share your love for asthma and food allergy family and friends. Share your love for a food allergy or asthma organization/foundation and donate to their cause. I ask that you take the time to share your love with all those you miss who you wish were closer and to those who are gone. The life my son Elijah-Alavi Silvera would have lived this would have been it. Sharing love with everyone. We Love you all.
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